Where Art Thou, Fairest Buffy?

There's something missing from my life
Cuts me open like a knife
It leaves me vulnerable
I have this disease
I shake like an incurable
God help me, please

There's a hole
in my life
There's a hole
in my life

One of the great joys of attending the WizShow the last two seasons was without a doubt having the opportunity to witness the glory that is Buffy. Sonnets have been written, wars have been waged, and bar brawls have broken out over women who, for lack of a better word, are heffers by comparison. The young lady you see above is probably the most gorgeous member of any NBA Dance Team to grace the hardcourt. I was always so enamored of her that I would spend about half the game watching Agent Zero sew the seeds that would blossom into "The Takeover," and the other half gazing upon the pint-sized voluptuous and talented Buffy shaking her, ehm, pom-poms. I'll admit, I have a well documented obsession with cheerleaders, but this is different. Long before CMT even considered sending a camera crew to Texas Stadium, Buffy held my heart in her hand. Besides, she wasn't technically a cheerleader anyway. So you can only imagine my excitement when I saw that Buffy was to be the Dance Team captain for the 2006-2007 season. This could only mean 33% more Buffy, right?

Wrong. Without any warning or explanation, Buffy was yanked from the Wizards' Dance Team page, and in turn, yanked from my heart. Those who say that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all clearly have never felt what I'm going through right now. Instead of my heartbreak weakening a little each day, it merely grows stronger. Each morning, I rise from bed, grasping my chest, tearing my shirt and screaming to the heavens, "WHY, GOD! WHY, DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE HER FROM THE WASHINGTON WIZARDS DANCE TEAM!? SHE WOULD HAVE LOOKED GREAT IN BLACK AND GOLD!" Let me reiterate: every morning. My roommates can attest to this.

"... and this is only 60% of my sass potential."

Rumors have been flying. One states that Susan O'Malley, jealous of her beauty, disguised herself as a Chipotle cashier and fed her a poisoned burrito. Another one had her cutting up potatoes at the Gallery Place 5 Guys by day, dancing at Camelot by night, but I investigated this one thoroughly, only to find that it was sadly false. Perhaps the most common, and least plausible one said that she was "knocked up" by her boyfriend (husband? - is it still "getting knocked up" if you're married to the knocker?), but I find that really hard to believe. A delicate flower like Buffy would be saving herself for the Duke and all of the glorious velvet-smoking-jacket-cloaked riches that accompany him. Besides, "knocked up" is such a vulgar term, and it should never be used around my belle.

So where art thou, Buffy? We miss you. I miss you. And the Wizards have a losing record without you. Coincidence?

I may have to employ the bacon-fueled powers of the Wizznutzz and maybe even the journalistic prowess of future Pulitzer winner Agent Steinz to help in this quest.