I'm Losing Everything, Including My Mind

In my frantic attempt to locate my one true love, I've managed to lose track of my co-worker and this blog's co-founder. Where are you, Rocky? It's been over a month since your last post, and we're getting worried.

Here are the facts as we know them. My last contact with the 'Coon was right before he left the Styched offices to attend the epic WWE RAW! event at the Phonebooth on the evening of December 18th. I was following along throughout the night via the USA network's live coverage of the event and through a furious text messaging session with our roving reporter. Our final correspondence came into my cell phone at 10:37 PM:

K fed just walked in

That was it. Those were Rocky's final words to me.

I've put in calls to the DCPD, WWE, and Kevin Federline's publicist. Apparently, a band of rogue double-parkers had trapped the police in their squad cars, and the WWE provided only a recorded message from Vince McMahon, thanking me for my support, which was appreciated, but not quite what I was looking for. As for Kevin Federline, it seems that things have gotten even more desperate than anyone could have ever imagined. His publicist initially denied any knowledge of KFed or his whereabouts, but when prodded further, she grew quiet, and in a frightened tone, warned me, "do whatever you have to do. Lock your doors and your windows, and just know that he's grown immune to conventional weapons and methods of self-defense. Guns don't work anymore. Bullets don't work. I even tried stabbing him in his sleep." Then, in a panic, she hurriedly signed off: "good luck, and Godspeed."

I think it's clear what's happened: without money to purchase Cool Ranch Doritos, Federline has turned to human flesh to satisfy his hunger, which has in turn given him the supernatural strength he will need to take the Champion's belt from John Cena. Rocky was clearly one of his first victims. By the time the authorities take action, it will be too late: KFed will roam the streets wearing his WWE RAW! United States Championship Belt, and we'll all be doomed.